It's time

Putting on my bra today

I heard a distinct sarcastic chuckle

Or maybe it was a mocking chortle

Whatever it may be called

I was filled with rage 

At the proof of such betrayal 

But even as the anger grew

Even as despair winked at me

I knew it was time, no, way past the time even

For a long term commitment 

To healthier meal choices 

And a challenging workout plan 

#cantshutthevoicesinmyhead

Mental reprogramming

It will all work out or it will all collapse like a wrongly stacked deck of cards. It all depends on whom you're listening to and what you're providing growth nutrients for in that wonderful garden called your mind

From prosperity preachers and teachers to doomsday prophets and the numerous others on the belief number line, the one thing that really is the variable within your control is you

Months ago a friend and mentor introduced me to the legendary Anthony Robbins who himself learned from the late master of self belief Jim Rohn. And then there's Les Brown. Let's stop the list here.

You see, everyday something will happen to trip you up. You'll see it coming or you won't. It will manifest fully that day or just plant seeds and lay in wait further down your week or month. And if you think ideas don't run through your head all willy-nilly, do a mental exercise. Write down every thought you experience at 30 minute intervals. Been there. Done that. Sanity is a gift. Or a burden. It depends on which of your voices is strongest.

So what to do? Mental programming.  Always. Not the happy babble of just any motivational speaker who hasn't really known adversity. Or the mindless drip drip from a pastor who doesn't really understand the power of his calling beyond being an entertainer.

A friend told me once when I was going through the doldrums that I choose music which plays into how I feel. I fought that because o was in a bad place and his words didn't help the self pity I had moved into and furnished with top quality furniture. But I've since come to realize that it's true.

Just as success loves speed, so does misery love company. Think about it. You're hurting emotionally. It's music about hurting, endless glasses for alcohol takers, misery phone calls especially with those who have shared self pitying moments with you and so on. That is always a choice. Just an example

So. Mental programming. Mornings I listen to a YouTube recording from one of these mentors. I read something from the Bible that puts me in a go-forth-and-kickass mode. And lately, I guard my thoughts at work with amazing jealousy and increasing self control.

I can't stop the prosperity preacher or the doomsday prophet. I can't stop the friend or colleague or family member who chooses to only listen to and replay stuff that never ever adds anything to me. But I can change the parts of me that provide nutrients for the wrong things to grow. I remain the only variable which I can change. And so I continue. Mental reprogramming 

my good deeds Vs your bad

Why do we do these things that we do knowing full well what we do when we do the things we do? Sorry its ass-ery on a roll this morning.

So I'm listening to colleagues and friends day in day out (hate that phrase...why am I using it? Do I need a shrink?) And a common thread in conversations has been the 'et tu Brute' emotion or some variation.

Here's how it typically plays out: some long-suffering saint (me or one of the aforementioned good people of God) brings up a story, a situation, an experience in which someone dealt them a harsh blow. It would begin with a story of how much said saint, let’s call them Holy Nweje, has done for said ingrate; Lucifer, shall we? And how Lucifer becomes a turncoat and does the unthinkable namely try to lead a mutiny on The Paradise ship of heaven, and Baba God, here represented by Holy Nweje then has to cast him out into the 'wherever the hell it is you're off to' for biting the proverbial finger.

Ok ‘nuff of the crazy speak. But that's kind of how it plays out and we all know this. We all play the aggrieved party when people whom we believe owe us mental blood allegiances seem to renege on agreements never quite articulated; relatives financially dependent on the crumbs that fall from the table of our budgets, in-laws whom we 'spoil' with little gifts and uncomfortable calls and the occasional monetary gift, drivers, maids, cleaners, kids tutors etc. etc....your list may be longer because it's just about any and every one whom we have given comfort of some kind to.

So the conversation starts with the Holy Nweje listing the innumerable good deeds done for or to the cunning never-again-to-be-trusted Lucifer. It then segues into a declaration of HN's desire to never stop being a saint even if some form of martyrdom is required. And then the axe falls when the audience is listening with rapt attention found in mobs, religious congregations, people about to be separated from their money by a savvy trickster, and persons hanging on to the every word of an accomplished gossip, a practiced charmer or in this case Holy Nweje who possesses albeit unknowingly traits of all these 'professions'. At this point empathy is outta the window and sympathy sitting on a firm foundation of rage or disgust at the of course absent Lucifer, peaks in an admirable crescendo of slow judgment. Questions asked and opinions proffered all support the notion that HN is good and Lucifer is bad and has to leave heaven.

I once was cast in the ignominious role of Lucifer (Father Lord, financially let me never go there…..shuddering as the memories cause me to blink). I have been HN. I have been the sole audience. I have been in the larger audience. And I have grown enough to wonder 'why do I have to keep record of the wrongs if I really meant well and why in the world would I keep records of my good deeds only to hold them as a standard against a person whose need probably trumped their judgment?' Doesn't seem to make much logical sense does it?

Journey to self....the beginning of the rest of forever

On doing something daily my future self will be thankful to my present for:

 

1.    Pray. I used to be unable to pray or seek closeness to God when I'd sinned however small or big the sin seemed in my head. Now I understand that especially because of the propensity to, or ,for sin in my mortal nature I must even when sin seems to be eager to drag me down and guilt to smother me, seek God's reassuring closeness and light

2.      Eat well. This is as hard as praying. Sometimes more so. For that which I ought to crave my body tells my mind to disregard and my mind tells my body to dislike. And that which I should do in moderation or deny self of altogether is that which my body wakes with a start in sheer longing for. But if I will have a body that's healthy I must say no to the heavier creamier oily starchy etc and lean more into the lean, the leafy, the greens yellows oranges and reds

3.      Exercise. Knees creaking, calves burning, thighs in spasms from the tension, back hurting, torso taut and willpower failing, I must do the extra jump, the additional crunch, jog the extra mile. For my body is mine to subdue and not the other way round. To stand tall even while a little over short. To take the stairs two at a time. To dance for hours with my beau. To run with the kids. To squat for strength. To plank as I read. To jog just for fun. To learn my strengths and increase my endurance threshold. To subdue my body and not the other way around

4.      Visit. Would that the world was linked only by social media. Social nerds like me would be king and guilt would be only a dream in a lost souls' conscience. But it is not, alas. And so, visit I must. For loving my family cannot be done only in my head and through financial contributions to needs and wants. And through hellos via BBM or Whatsapp. Not through having the kids call grandmas and granddads. For those who love me want to see me. To scold me and hug me. To worry about me and cheer me on. To show me off and feed me. To do these and more in person 

5.      Network. For man is not an island. Nerd or social butterfly. Man is not an island

6.      Residual income. For I dread the thought or working a 9-5 at 50 simply because I have no other choice. My kids must know there's more to life than the mind numbing drudgery. There is a better way. It's harder. But you learn on the job and meet amazing people and get to travel the world empowering people and building teams. 

7.      Read. Motivational books, self help books, books about science, articles on world economy, Holy books of other faiths, new authors.....any and everything. Books on philosophy, books on psychology. Books about cooking and books about health. For books always teach. And books provide an escape from reality and an empowerment for reality. I'm largely uneducated and alarmingly unenlightened. And for one as old as I, that's almost unpardonable. I've read a few but I've loads more to read. 

...on stepping out: one foot in front of the other

If you think you're not good enough, IMHO (in my humble opinion), you're not. 

 

Lemme explain, unless you're Olivia Pope with lifelong 'daddy issues', chances are you'll have skills and competences which over time should make you feel good about what you have been able to achieve irrespective of whatever upbringing you have. However no matter how many people tell you that you can, if you think you can't bring to the table what's required, you're probably right. 

 

What to do?

 

Now this is no recipe but!!!!........, I know from experience that putting myself out more, helps to slowly kill that voice. It's a scary thing to do but a necessity. One foot in front of the other. Asking questions (especially the ones that show u up in your opinion). You can't be seeking a safety net when you need to grow. You will find it as you make the mistakes:

 

....The colleagues who value you for your skills and will always tell you when you're being an ass.
 

....The bosses who will build you up and tear you a new one in private but always take the blame for the troops gaffes in public.
 

....The business team partners who will listen to every supposedly creative idea and not hesitate to show you where the pitfalls are.
 

....The friends who will hold your hand when you need it and give you a hot attitude slap or space when you or they need it. Etc. etc.

 

These people become allies you make a safety net. They don't come cheap and you need to, in your desperate bid to grow while still holding on to some form or comfort, not make them a crutch.

 

But grow you must. And grow you will. One face-in-the-mud episode after another, a stronger and more useful you shall emerge.


      xoxo
NKECHI