Alone
In the dark
Unsure..

Alone
In the dark
Waiting..

Alone in the dark
Wishing
Craving

Alone in the dark
Emotions
Clawing
Desire
Building
Sorrow
Growing
Unease
Growing
Heartbeat
Racing
Hope
Floundering

Alone
In the dark
I want to talk
To you
About you
With you
About you

Alone
In the dark
I hold conversations
With you
But you're not here

I'm alone
In the dark

The art of cowardice

Seems easy doesn't it.... to just fail. To give in give up roll over play dead

Ever look at a person dedicated to the smell of their failures? Ever been that person? The one with all the excuses for why trying shouldn't happen? The person believing in all but themselves? Have you?

Being a coward requires courage. To wake up and slink past your mirror unwilling to look at the face you know will be staring back at you aghast and unsure

If you're a dreamer with no push to wake up....
a thinker with no more than the regular fleeting desire to act
The excuse giver.....there's always a good one
Or the best ever..... the quintessential procrastinator

Then you know don't you, the pains dnd the joys, ...now don't you be a liar, of giving up. Like the near addiction of picking a scab just enough that it never heals, being a coward demands perfection

Here's to the cowards. Misunderstood and maligned. Looked upon from the lofty heights of the rave in their disdain.

I leave you though.....been one of you too long. The warmth of the company of kith and kin I must now abandon and find new loves and new paths.

A toast to you. And a fleeting backward glance as I step into the ring with the bold and the brave. To be knocked down and spat at. To be heckled and jeered at.

To take my place amongst those who dared. To try. To succeed.

For I want to know the smell of sweat and hard-won victory. Farewell, for I drink a different brew now.

(Icon made by Freepik from www.flaticon.com )

The price of growth

Like a kid morphing into an adult you will outgrow many people. It isn't that the kid's clothes are of poor quality or wouldn't serve a kid's needs. They just aren't needed any more.

Like feet moving through different stages of life, people will outgrow you. Good shoes are good shoes. A good shoemaker will always make make good shoes. But have you tried to force fit an adult size 10 foot into a kid size 5 oxfords? Outgrown right?

Moving on isn't always up. Or right. Or a beautiful dirge lamenting the loss. Sometimes it's a quick sidestep out of the marching band. Or a trip down the stairs and realizing you missed the turn others took but don't feel the pull to call out to them to stop. Man down? Nah, you'll be alright

Don't pull on the scab for too long. You'll miss the lessons from breaking out of this new cocoon and not realize a new you has emerged: stronger already for having clawed your way beak-first out of a hard unyielding shell. Lean into the pain from your exercise. Deep breath deep breath..... now let's go forge new alliances and leave our footprints on the moon😉

On friendships lost

Naked with you
Dreams revealed
Highs shared
Lows......need we go there?


The unburdening.... My fears you know. My insecurities you shared. My flaws you saw. My mask never in place with you. My inner child you nurtured. My budding adult you watched with deep fascination. My aging heart you watched with deep sorrow

The hereafter.....unfolding in the now
My confusion you know. My insecurities you know. My flaws you see. My disintegration you began. My grief you nurture. My mask you replaced.

I look wildly around. Half-hoping, half-dreading. Will you be there. To welcome and yet to reject. A reminder that in their swirl my emotions welcomed and yet rejected? A brooding unyielding reminder that nakedness is vulnerability. If I seek you will you let me find you?
If I call will you still know my voice?

love fights

Sleep a myth. Peace gone south. 

Wake up. Stay up.

 Wake up. Talk.

  Wake up shut up.

   Awake. Groggy.

    Awake. Listening.

     Awake. Muddling memories.

      Awake. Unsure. 

       Awake. Seeking.

        Awake. Reaching.

         Awake.............

 

Finding.

 Groping.

  Eager.

   Fondling.

    Cries.

     Grasping.

      Thrusting.

       Breathless.

        Grunts.

         Reaching.

          Reaching.

           Reaching...

            Soaring.

             Heights.

              Peaking.

               Riding.

                Mewling.

                 Smiling.

                  Embrace.

                   Tender.

                    Fondling.

                     Parting.

                      Sated.

                       Turning.

                        Away.

                         Silence.

                          Creeping.

                           Doubts reborn.

                            Bodies tensing.

                             Sleep a myth 

...my smile

I need to smile more often
         for my smile covers up my trepidation
         makes the tears resting gingerly on the ledge of my lower eyelids glisten as they ever so gently brim over and eventually come crashing down my cheeks in one silent wave.
        
my smile covers up many things
         the way my heart starts to pulsate to the beat of a thousand drums when I feel cornered. the way my brow draws tight in uncertainty and realization that once again I've paid the piper for a tune for a fool and danced with total abandon at his music. the frustration when I realize that in spite of my efforts this thing or that is headed for a cliff and I cant stop it.

my smile is a cocoon
         it puts everything in a time warp so I get the chance to hold still and try and make sense out of stuff which threaten to overwhelm me.
         it welcomes me in a warm teary embrace when I turn back to self, crawling on bruised knees, pride shattered and emotions in tatters
         if I stand perfectly still I can see my smile in my mind's eye. and my unending wonder at the world in all it's ups and downs and roundabouts and topsy-turvy rides.

         I smile because I can. Because to stop the smile would cause a crack. the crack would let the joy out and the darkness which always casts furtive glances my way like an illicit lover would slink along the edges of my subconscious thought and grip my brain by the roots. the darkness would steal my peace, my joy. all would come crashing down. Depressed, angry, bitter, weakened......I would cease to be creative. I would cease to smile. my lips would part in a grimace; like the snarl of a cornered dog. My tears would hold no innocence no wonder at friendships genuinely given and shock at pain deliberately caused. Steely and cutting, my laugh would be. I would hurt when hurt, hurt when unsure, hurt when loved, hurt when appreciated, hurt when attacked.

my smile holds me up
         reminding me to never let the stream run dry. to always laugh a little, and then a lot. to know well the wrongs I've done or endured and to strive to be better than those. reminding me that the light in me can overshadow the darkness. reminding me that I can heal my hurts if I hold still long enough for the smile to spread its warmth.

so I tilt my head to the side. I shut my eyes. I play a song I like. or I go for a run to get the frustration out and with each kilometer my pounding heart beats the darkness out with fists of fury and my smile...lying on the cold floor of the dark, wet room, takes tentative steps and then starts to run.

I love my smile. it is welcoming when it is real. it is blinding when it is needed. it is my badge of courage.

It's all in my head

Ø  When I become president Port Harcourt will have a minister of appropriate attire. Stiff penalties for dressing your body like it belongs to someone you'd never met and were misled regarding their proportions and complexion, etc.

 

Ø  When I become president places of worship will have their public address systems turned inwards own their own internal public and churches too stingy to pay proper organists who don't make their audience tone deaf will be banned from having anything louder than their palms to make music with.

 

Ø  When I become president places of worship will be treated like markets: situated in one long stretch of shops or buildings. Mosques, churches, shrines etc. all mixed up. Let's see y'all bomb one another or try to coexist without some sort of truce. 😏

 

Ø  When I become president: phrases like 'only in Naija', 'the good old days' etc will be heavily frowned upon and those who utter them, fined and given large dog tags to wear with the inscription 'oh drat, I was an ass'😒

Journey to self....the beginning of the rest of forever

On doing something daily my future self will be thankful to my present for:

 

1.    Pray. I used to be unable to pray or seek closeness to God when I'd sinned however small or big the sin seemed in my head. Now I understand that especially because of the propensity to, or ,for sin in my mortal nature I must even when sin seems to be eager to drag me down and guilt to smother me, seek God's reassuring closeness and light

2.      Eat well. This is as hard as praying. Sometimes more so. For that which I ought to crave my body tells my mind to disregard and my mind tells my body to dislike. And that which I should do in moderation or deny self of altogether is that which my body wakes with a start in sheer longing for. But if I will have a body that's healthy I must say no to the heavier creamier oily starchy etc and lean more into the lean, the leafy, the greens yellows oranges and reds

3.      Exercise. Knees creaking, calves burning, thighs in spasms from the tension, back hurting, torso taut and willpower failing, I must do the extra jump, the additional crunch, jog the extra mile. For my body is mine to subdue and not the other way round. To stand tall even while a little over short. To take the stairs two at a time. To dance for hours with my beau. To run with the kids. To squat for strength. To plank as I read. To jog just for fun. To learn my strengths and increase my endurance threshold. To subdue my body and not the other way around

4.      Visit. Would that the world was linked only by social media. Social nerds like me would be king and guilt would be only a dream in a lost souls' conscience. But it is not, alas. And so, visit I must. For loving my family cannot be done only in my head and through financial contributions to needs and wants. And through hellos via BBM or Whatsapp. Not through having the kids call grandmas and granddads. For those who love me want to see me. To scold me and hug me. To worry about me and cheer me on. To show me off and feed me. To do these and more in person 

5.      Network. For man is not an island. Nerd or social butterfly. Man is not an island

6.      Residual income. For I dread the thought or working a 9-5 at 50 simply because I have no other choice. My kids must know there's more to life than the mind numbing drudgery. There is a better way. It's harder. But you learn on the job and meet amazing people and get to travel the world empowering people and building teams. 

7.      Read. Motivational books, self help books, books about science, articles on world economy, Holy books of other faiths, new authors.....any and everything. Books on philosophy, books on psychology. Books about cooking and books about health. For books always teach. And books provide an escape from reality and an empowerment for reality. I'm largely uneducated and alarmingly unenlightened. And for one as old as I, that's almost unpardonable. I've read a few but I've loads more to read. 

be naked with me.....my friend

I see you........

Beneath the laughter I see you,

Beneath the sarcasm, O yes, there you are,

Peeking as from behind a curtain,

Peering as a child would behind the safety of its mother's skirts

 

We see your boldness

We know your sarcasm

We see the cynic you work so hard to pawn off on us

 

But I see you my friend 

Gentle and warm

Not hardened but trying to be

Wary of repeating mistakes that led to a thousand hurts

 

Come into the light. Be naked with me

Laugh with me at nothing, at everything

It will never be totally alright

.........But the madness will make the good times perfect

.........And the bad times just an annoying bump on the road

 

...on stepping out: one foot in front of the other

If you think you're not good enough, IMHO (in my humble opinion), you're not. 

 

Lemme explain, unless you're Olivia Pope with lifelong 'daddy issues', chances are you'll have skills and competences which over time should make you feel good about what you have been able to achieve irrespective of whatever upbringing you have. However no matter how many people tell you that you can, if you think you can't bring to the table what's required, you're probably right. 

 

What to do?

 

Now this is no recipe but!!!!........, I know from experience that putting myself out more, helps to slowly kill that voice. It's a scary thing to do but a necessity. One foot in front of the other. Asking questions (especially the ones that show u up in your opinion). You can't be seeking a safety net when you need to grow. You will find it as you make the mistakes:

 

....The colleagues who value you for your skills and will always tell you when you're being an ass.
 

....The bosses who will build you up and tear you a new one in private but always take the blame for the troops gaffes in public.
 

....The business team partners who will listen to every supposedly creative idea and not hesitate to show you where the pitfalls are.
 

....The friends who will hold your hand when you need it and give you a hot attitude slap or space when you or they need it. Etc. etc.

 

These people become allies you make a safety net. They don't come cheap and you need to, in your desperate bid to grow while still holding on to some form or comfort, not make them a crutch.

 

But grow you must. And grow you will. One face-in-the-mud episode after another, a stronger and more useful you shall emerge.


      xoxo
NKECHI