Acerbity....ever so near

I remember a short conversation with one person that segued into a slightly distasteful something with another.

I'd had my makeup done professionally and a colleague who was used to seeing me look more like one of the dudes or something was reeling in shock. Conversation follows:

He: "I can't believe this is you. You look really gorgeous. Why don't you do this more often?"

Me: (trying to hold the laughter in because I didn't  want to try the efficacy of the artist's waterproof mascara) "have you any idea how much work goes into this? I honestly can't be bothered to do this regularly. Normal makeup will have to suffice. This is for weddings only Biko."

She: (I hadn't even noticed there was someone there)..... giving him really dark looks and in a tone that made he and I look at each other and back at her "tell him joor. What is it?"

I assume from that exchange that she thought my response was based on anger or something similar. Truth is it was just fact. It takes a village to raise a child. That village without a make up artist wouldn't be able to doll me up for the pictures. Some people have gotten the mAkeup thing down pat. But even for them it's not a 5-minute thing. I've never been able to girlie-up enough to do that.

But why should I be upset with the one who does? Or with the guy who likes the dolled up doll? That I'm still unsure about. 

The art of cowardice

Seems easy doesn't it.... to just fail. To give in give up roll over play dead

Ever look at a person dedicated to the smell of their failures? Ever been that person? The one with all the excuses for why trying shouldn't happen? The person believing in all but themselves? Have you?

Being a coward requires courage. To wake up and slink past your mirror unwilling to look at the face you know will be staring back at you aghast and unsure

If you're a dreamer with no push to wake up....
a thinker with no more than the regular fleeting desire to act
The excuse giver.....there's always a good one
Or the best ever..... the quintessential procrastinator

Then you know don't you, the pains dnd the joys, ...now don't you be a liar, of giving up. Like the near addiction of picking a scab just enough that it never heals, being a coward demands perfection

Here's to the cowards. Misunderstood and maligned. Looked upon from the lofty heights of the rave in their disdain.

I leave you though.....been one of you too long. The warmth of the company of kith and kin I must now abandon and find new loves and new paths.

A toast to you. And a fleeting backward glance as I step into the ring with the bold and the brave. To be knocked down and spat at. To be heckled and jeered at.

To take my place amongst those who dared. To try. To succeed.

For I want to know the smell of sweat and hard-won victory. Farewell, for I drink a different brew now.

(Icon made by Freepik from www.flaticon.com )

...my smile

I need to smile more often
         for my smile covers up my trepidation
         makes the tears resting gingerly on the ledge of my lower eyelids glisten as they ever so gently brim over and eventually come crashing down my cheeks in one silent wave.
        
my smile covers up many things
         the way my heart starts to pulsate to the beat of a thousand drums when I feel cornered. the way my brow draws tight in uncertainty and realization that once again I've paid the piper for a tune for a fool and danced with total abandon at his music. the frustration when I realize that in spite of my efforts this thing or that is headed for a cliff and I cant stop it.

my smile is a cocoon
         it puts everything in a time warp so I get the chance to hold still and try and make sense out of stuff which threaten to overwhelm me.
         it welcomes me in a warm teary embrace when I turn back to self, crawling on bruised knees, pride shattered and emotions in tatters
         if I stand perfectly still I can see my smile in my mind's eye. and my unending wonder at the world in all it's ups and downs and roundabouts and topsy-turvy rides.

         I smile because I can. Because to stop the smile would cause a crack. the crack would let the joy out and the darkness which always casts furtive glances my way like an illicit lover would slink along the edges of my subconscious thought and grip my brain by the roots. the darkness would steal my peace, my joy. all would come crashing down. Depressed, angry, bitter, weakened......I would cease to be creative. I would cease to smile. my lips would part in a grimace; like the snarl of a cornered dog. My tears would hold no innocence no wonder at friendships genuinely given and shock at pain deliberately caused. Steely and cutting, my laugh would be. I would hurt when hurt, hurt when unsure, hurt when loved, hurt when appreciated, hurt when attacked.

my smile holds me up
         reminding me to never let the stream run dry. to always laugh a little, and then a lot. to know well the wrongs I've done or endured and to strive to be better than those. reminding me that the light in me can overshadow the darkness. reminding me that I can heal my hurts if I hold still long enough for the smile to spread its warmth.

so I tilt my head to the side. I shut my eyes. I play a song I like. or I go for a run to get the frustration out and with each kilometer my pounding heart beats the darkness out with fists of fury and my smile...lying on the cold floor of the dark, wet room, takes tentative steps and then starts to run.

I love my smile. it is welcoming when it is real. it is blinding when it is needed. it is my badge of courage.