40 and 1

41 today. A little kinder than me at 40 at 2300hrs yesterday. Kinda sorta almost more uncertain about many things: faith, hope, salvation, nationalism, race, and so much more. But even more intensely curious and alive in so many more ways. Old and yet young. The curious case.....yeah, kinda sorta almost.

Above all, gratitude envelopes like a shroud and humbles me. For much, for many. For people and events. For health and challenges. For naïveté and increasing fights with jadedness.

And whatever fights with religion and all I may have, above all I know there's a God....and I am not Him.

Thank You Father.....for the next 40 years. Long may the knees hold out. And may the belly get flat...well kinda sorta almost. Love you Lord....in my own way.

love fights

Sleep a myth. Peace gone south. 

Wake up. Stay up.

 Wake up. Talk.

  Wake up shut up.

   Awake. Groggy.

    Awake. Listening.

     Awake. Muddling memories.

      Awake. Unsure. 

       Awake. Seeking.

        Awake. Reaching.

         Awake.............

 

Finding.

 Groping.

  Eager.

   Fondling.

    Cries.

     Grasping.

      Thrusting.

       Breathless.

        Grunts.

         Reaching.

          Reaching.

           Reaching...

            Soaring.

             Heights.

              Peaking.

               Riding.

                Mewling.

                 Smiling.

                  Embrace.

                   Tender.

                    Fondling.

                     Parting.

                      Sated.

                       Turning.

                        Away.

                         Silence.

                          Creeping.

                           Doubts reborn.

                            Bodies tensing.

                             Sleep a myth 

...my smile

I need to smile more often
         for my smile covers up my trepidation
         makes the tears resting gingerly on the ledge of my lower eyelids glisten as they ever so gently brim over and eventually come crashing down my cheeks in one silent wave.
        
my smile covers up many things
         the way my heart starts to pulsate to the beat of a thousand drums when I feel cornered. the way my brow draws tight in uncertainty and realization that once again I've paid the piper for a tune for a fool and danced with total abandon at his music. the frustration when I realize that in spite of my efforts this thing or that is headed for a cliff and I cant stop it.

my smile is a cocoon
         it puts everything in a time warp so I get the chance to hold still and try and make sense out of stuff which threaten to overwhelm me.
         it welcomes me in a warm teary embrace when I turn back to self, crawling on bruised knees, pride shattered and emotions in tatters
         if I stand perfectly still I can see my smile in my mind's eye. and my unending wonder at the world in all it's ups and downs and roundabouts and topsy-turvy rides.

         I smile because I can. Because to stop the smile would cause a crack. the crack would let the joy out and the darkness which always casts furtive glances my way like an illicit lover would slink along the edges of my subconscious thought and grip my brain by the roots. the darkness would steal my peace, my joy. all would come crashing down. Depressed, angry, bitter, weakened......I would cease to be creative. I would cease to smile. my lips would part in a grimace; like the snarl of a cornered dog. My tears would hold no innocence no wonder at friendships genuinely given and shock at pain deliberately caused. Steely and cutting, my laugh would be. I would hurt when hurt, hurt when unsure, hurt when loved, hurt when appreciated, hurt when attacked.

my smile holds me up
         reminding me to never let the stream run dry. to always laugh a little, and then a lot. to know well the wrongs I've done or endured and to strive to be better than those. reminding me that the light in me can overshadow the darkness. reminding me that I can heal my hurts if I hold still long enough for the smile to spread its warmth.

so I tilt my head to the side. I shut my eyes. I play a song I like. or I go for a run to get the frustration out and with each kilometer my pounding heart beats the darkness out with fists of fury and my smile...lying on the cold floor of the dark, wet room, takes tentative steps and then starts to run.

I love my smile. it is welcoming when it is real. it is blinding when it is needed. it is my badge of courage.

Journey to self....the beginning of the rest of forever

On doing something daily my future self will be thankful to my present for:

 

1.    Pray. I used to be unable to pray or seek closeness to God when I'd sinned however small or big the sin seemed in my head. Now I understand that especially because of the propensity to, or ,for sin in my mortal nature I must even when sin seems to be eager to drag me down and guilt to smother me, seek God's reassuring closeness and light

2.      Eat well. This is as hard as praying. Sometimes more so. For that which I ought to crave my body tells my mind to disregard and my mind tells my body to dislike. And that which I should do in moderation or deny self of altogether is that which my body wakes with a start in sheer longing for. But if I will have a body that's healthy I must say no to the heavier creamier oily starchy etc and lean more into the lean, the leafy, the greens yellows oranges and reds

3.      Exercise. Knees creaking, calves burning, thighs in spasms from the tension, back hurting, torso taut and willpower failing, I must do the extra jump, the additional crunch, jog the extra mile. For my body is mine to subdue and not the other way round. To stand tall even while a little over short. To take the stairs two at a time. To dance for hours with my beau. To run with the kids. To squat for strength. To plank as I read. To jog just for fun. To learn my strengths and increase my endurance threshold. To subdue my body and not the other way around

4.      Visit. Would that the world was linked only by social media. Social nerds like me would be king and guilt would be only a dream in a lost souls' conscience. But it is not, alas. And so, visit I must. For loving my family cannot be done only in my head and through financial contributions to needs and wants. And through hellos via BBM or Whatsapp. Not through having the kids call grandmas and granddads. For those who love me want to see me. To scold me and hug me. To worry about me and cheer me on. To show me off and feed me. To do these and more in person 

5.      Network. For man is not an island. Nerd or social butterfly. Man is not an island

6.      Residual income. For I dread the thought or working a 9-5 at 50 simply because I have no other choice. My kids must know there's more to life than the mind numbing drudgery. There is a better way. It's harder. But you learn on the job and meet amazing people and get to travel the world empowering people and building teams. 

7.      Read. Motivational books, self help books, books about science, articles on world economy, Holy books of other faiths, new authors.....any and everything. Books on philosophy, books on psychology. Books about cooking and books about health. For books always teach. And books provide an escape from reality and an empowerment for reality. I'm largely uneducated and alarmingly unenlightened. And for one as old as I, that's almost unpardonable. I've read a few but I've loads more to read. 

.........wisps, desires, desires

At once sure and yet elusive, she dances before his eyes when his lids close in a vain attempt to sleep.

 

Clear as day he sees her....within reach, almost.........

 

He stretches an inch farther and his fingers barely brush the light fabric of her dress as she walks before him, unwittingly sensual with an innocence that her heartache and years of bad decisions couldn't destroy.

 

He longs to make her stop and look in his eyes. To see the burning desire to know her and he clenches his fists at his sides in impotent balls of furious desperation and he tries not to shake the realization into her.

 

He calls out, startling himself with the strength in his voice, but his eyes quickly widen in bewilderment as he realizes she doesn't hear him much as she never could look into his eyes. 

Dropping his gaze he slowly unclenches his fists, whispers her name and is regarded with a falter in her step before she resumes her walk. 

She will walk this walk on her own. He longs to tell her he wants to go with her and bear her up. Pushing harder he grasps her shoulder and she starts to turn to him.

His eyelids flutter open, lips parting ever so slightly in soundless joy. And the dream crumbles to the ground.