Keeping it together

In my head 

Where it should be safe

In my head

That's where it all falls apart

In my head

Where it should be calm

In my head 

That's where the demons rule

In my head

Where it once was quiet

In my head 

That's where the chaos reigns

In my head

Where I want to fall asleep

In my head

That's where I can't find peace

It's time

Putting on my bra today

I heard a distinct sarcastic chuckle

Or maybe it was a mocking chortle

Whatever it may be called

I was filled with rage 

At the proof of such betrayal 

But even as the anger grew

Even as despair winked at me

I knew it was time, no, way past the time even

For a long term commitment 

To healthier meal choices 

And a challenging workout plan 

#cantshutthevoicesinmyhead

Make peace with your self.
Face your demons.
Stop confessing only to another.
Stop seeking wholeness in any other.
Stop sabotaging relationships.
Stop refusing to fight for you
Stop seeking strength outside
Just stop.
Right now.
You're you.
Made whole.
Yes you may be broken and battered but you're a different person for your experiences.
Lean into the pain.
Wake up at night and confront your demons.
Stare them down.
Like all bullies, memories of failures must be put down in the playground where they seek to hurt you the most.

It's tough. Yes it is.
Been there. I know it.
But it's doable. Yes it is.
I'm there and I'm knowing it more everyday 

40 and 1

41 today. A little kinder than me at 40 at 2300hrs yesterday. Kinda sorta almost more uncertain about many things: faith, hope, salvation, nationalism, race, and so much more. But even more intensely curious and alive in so many more ways. Old and yet young. The curious case.....yeah, kinda sorta almost.

Above all, gratitude envelopes like a shroud and humbles me. For much, for many. For people and events. For health and challenges. For naïveté and increasing fights with jadedness.

And whatever fights with religion and all I may have, above all I know there's a God....and I am not Him.

Thank You Father.....for the next 40 years. Long may the knees hold out. And may the belly get flat...well kinda sorta almost. Love you Lord....in my own way.

Alone
In the dark
Unsure..

Alone
In the dark
Waiting..

Alone in the dark
Wishing
Craving

Alone in the dark
Emotions
Clawing
Desire
Building
Sorrow
Growing
Unease
Growing
Heartbeat
Racing
Hope
Floundering

Alone
In the dark
I want to talk
To you
About you
With you
About you

Alone
In the dark
I hold conversations
With you
But you're not here

I'm alone
In the dark

Acerbity....ever so near

I remember a short conversation with one person that segued into a slightly distasteful something with another.

I'd had my makeup done professionally and a colleague who was used to seeing me look more like one of the dudes or something was reeling in shock. Conversation follows:

He: "I can't believe this is you. You look really gorgeous. Why don't you do this more often?"

Me: (trying to hold the laughter in because I didn't  want to try the efficacy of the artist's waterproof mascara) "have you any idea how much work goes into this? I honestly can't be bothered to do this regularly. Normal makeup will have to suffice. This is for weddings only Biko."

She: (I hadn't even noticed there was someone there)..... giving him really dark looks and in a tone that made he and I look at each other and back at her "tell him joor. What is it?"

I assume from that exchange that she thought my response was based on anger or something similar. Truth is it was just fact. It takes a village to raise a child. That village without a make up artist wouldn't be able to doll me up for the pictures. Some people have gotten the mAkeup thing down pat. But even for them it's not a 5-minute thing. I've never been able to girlie-up enough to do that.

But why should I be upset with the one who does? Or with the guy who likes the dolled up doll? That I'm still unsure about. 

The art of cowardice

Seems easy doesn't it.... to just fail. To give in give up roll over play dead

Ever look at a person dedicated to the smell of their failures? Ever been that person? The one with all the excuses for why trying shouldn't happen? The person believing in all but themselves? Have you?

Being a coward requires courage. To wake up and slink past your mirror unwilling to look at the face you know will be staring back at you aghast and unsure

If you're a dreamer with no push to wake up....
a thinker with no more than the regular fleeting desire to act
The excuse giver.....there's always a good one
Or the best ever..... the quintessential procrastinator

Then you know don't you, the pains dnd the joys, ...now don't you be a liar, of giving up. Like the near addiction of picking a scab just enough that it never heals, being a coward demands perfection

Here's to the cowards. Misunderstood and maligned. Looked upon from the lofty heights of the rave in their disdain.

I leave you though.....been one of you too long. The warmth of the company of kith and kin I must now abandon and find new loves and new paths.

A toast to you. And a fleeting backward glance as I step into the ring with the bold and the brave. To be knocked down and spat at. To be heckled and jeered at.

To take my place amongst those who dared. To try. To succeed.

For I want to know the smell of sweat and hard-won victory. Farewell, for I drink a different brew now.

(Icon made by Freepik from www.flaticon.com )

The price of growth

Like a kid morphing into an adult you will outgrow many people. It isn't that the kid's clothes are of poor quality or wouldn't serve a kid's needs. They just aren't needed any more.

Like feet moving through different stages of life, people will outgrow you. Good shoes are good shoes. A good shoemaker will always make make good shoes. But have you tried to force fit an adult size 10 foot into a kid size 5 oxfords? Outgrown right?

Moving on isn't always up. Or right. Or a beautiful dirge lamenting the loss. Sometimes it's a quick sidestep out of the marching band. Or a trip down the stairs and realizing you missed the turn others took but don't feel the pull to call out to them to stop. Man down? Nah, you'll be alright

Don't pull on the scab for too long. You'll miss the lessons from breaking out of this new cocoon and not realize a new you has emerged: stronger already for having clawed your way beak-first out of a hard unyielding shell. Lean into the pain from your exercise. Deep breath deep breath..... now let's go forge new alliances and leave our footprints on the moon😉

On friendships lost

Naked with you
Dreams revealed
Highs shared
Lows......need we go there?


The unburdening.... My fears you know. My insecurities you shared. My flaws you saw. My mask never in place with you. My inner child you nurtured. My budding adult you watched with deep fascination. My aging heart you watched with deep sorrow

The hereafter.....unfolding in the now
My confusion you know. My insecurities you know. My flaws you see. My disintegration you began. My grief you nurture. My mask you replaced.

I look wildly around. Half-hoping, half-dreading. Will you be there. To welcome and yet to reject. A reminder that in their swirl my emotions welcomed and yet rejected? A brooding unyielding reminder that nakedness is vulnerability. If I seek you will you let me find you?
If I call will you still know my voice?

Mental reprogramming

It will all work out or it will all collapse like a wrongly stacked deck of cards. It all depends on whom you're listening to and what you're providing growth nutrients for in that wonderful garden called your mind

From prosperity preachers and teachers to doomsday prophets and the numerous others on the belief number line, the one thing that really is the variable within your control is you

Months ago a friend and mentor introduced me to the legendary Anthony Robbins who himself learned from the late master of self belief Jim Rohn. And then there's Les Brown. Let's stop the list here.

You see, everyday something will happen to trip you up. You'll see it coming or you won't. It will manifest fully that day or just plant seeds and lay in wait further down your week or month. And if you think ideas don't run through your head all willy-nilly, do a mental exercise. Write down every thought you experience at 30 minute intervals. Been there. Done that. Sanity is a gift. Or a burden. It depends on which of your voices is strongest.

So what to do? Mental programming.  Always. Not the happy babble of just any motivational speaker who hasn't really known adversity. Or the mindless drip drip from a pastor who doesn't really understand the power of his calling beyond being an entertainer.

A friend told me once when I was going through the doldrums that I choose music which plays into how I feel. I fought that because o was in a bad place and his words didn't help the self pity I had moved into and furnished with top quality furniture. But I've since come to realize that it's true.

Just as success loves speed, so does misery love company. Think about it. You're hurting emotionally. It's music about hurting, endless glasses for alcohol takers, misery phone calls especially with those who have shared self pitying moments with you and so on. That is always a choice. Just an example

So. Mental programming. Mornings I listen to a YouTube recording from one of these mentors. I read something from the Bible that puts me in a go-forth-and-kickass mode. And lately, I guard my thoughts at work with amazing jealousy and increasing self control.

I can't stop the prosperity preacher or the doomsday prophet. I can't stop the friend or colleague or family member who chooses to only listen to and replay stuff that never ever adds anything to me. But I can change the parts of me that provide nutrients for the wrong things to grow. I remain the only variable which I can change. And so I continue. Mental reprogramming 

my good deeds Vs your bad

Why do we do these things that we do knowing full well what we do when we do the things we do? Sorry its ass-ery on a roll this morning.

So I'm listening to colleagues and friends day in day out (hate that phrase...why am I using it? Do I need a shrink?) And a common thread in conversations has been the 'et tu Brute' emotion or some variation.

Here's how it typically plays out: some long-suffering saint (me or one of the aforementioned good people of God) brings up a story, a situation, an experience in which someone dealt them a harsh blow. It would begin with a story of how much said saint, let’s call them Holy Nweje, has done for said ingrate; Lucifer, shall we? And how Lucifer becomes a turncoat and does the unthinkable namely try to lead a mutiny on The Paradise ship of heaven, and Baba God, here represented by Holy Nweje then has to cast him out into the 'wherever the hell it is you're off to' for biting the proverbial finger.

Ok ‘nuff of the crazy speak. But that's kind of how it plays out and we all know this. We all play the aggrieved party when people whom we believe owe us mental blood allegiances seem to renege on agreements never quite articulated; relatives financially dependent on the crumbs that fall from the table of our budgets, in-laws whom we 'spoil' with little gifts and uncomfortable calls and the occasional monetary gift, drivers, maids, cleaners, kids tutors etc. etc....your list may be longer because it's just about any and every one whom we have given comfort of some kind to.

So the conversation starts with the Holy Nweje listing the innumerable good deeds done for or to the cunning never-again-to-be-trusted Lucifer. It then segues into a declaration of HN's desire to never stop being a saint even if some form of martyrdom is required. And then the axe falls when the audience is listening with rapt attention found in mobs, religious congregations, people about to be separated from their money by a savvy trickster, and persons hanging on to the every word of an accomplished gossip, a practiced charmer or in this case Holy Nweje who possesses albeit unknowingly traits of all these 'professions'. At this point empathy is outta the window and sympathy sitting on a firm foundation of rage or disgust at the of course absent Lucifer, peaks in an admirable crescendo of slow judgment. Questions asked and opinions proffered all support the notion that HN is good and Lucifer is bad and has to leave heaven.

I once was cast in the ignominious role of Lucifer (Father Lord, financially let me never go there…..shuddering as the memories cause me to blink). I have been HN. I have been the sole audience. I have been in the larger audience. And I have grown enough to wonder 'why do I have to keep record of the wrongs if I really meant well and why in the world would I keep records of my good deeds only to hold them as a standard against a person whose need probably trumped their judgment?' Doesn't seem to make much logical sense does it?

love fights

Sleep a myth. Peace gone south. 

Wake up. Stay up.

 Wake up. Talk.

  Wake up shut up.

   Awake. Groggy.

    Awake. Listening.

     Awake. Muddling memories.

      Awake. Unsure. 

       Awake. Seeking.

        Awake. Reaching.

         Awake.............

 

Finding.

 Groping.

  Eager.

   Fondling.

    Cries.

     Grasping.

      Thrusting.

       Breathless.

        Grunts.

         Reaching.

          Reaching.

           Reaching...

            Soaring.

             Heights.

              Peaking.

               Riding.

                Mewling.

                 Smiling.

                  Embrace.

                   Tender.

                    Fondling.

                     Parting.

                      Sated.

                       Turning.

                        Away.

                         Silence.

                          Creeping.

                           Doubts reborn.

                            Bodies tensing.

                             Sleep a myth 

...my smile

I need to smile more often
         for my smile covers up my trepidation
         makes the tears resting gingerly on the ledge of my lower eyelids glisten as they ever so gently brim over and eventually come crashing down my cheeks in one silent wave.
        
my smile covers up many things
         the way my heart starts to pulsate to the beat of a thousand drums when I feel cornered. the way my brow draws tight in uncertainty and realization that once again I've paid the piper for a tune for a fool and danced with total abandon at his music. the frustration when I realize that in spite of my efforts this thing or that is headed for a cliff and I cant stop it.

my smile is a cocoon
         it puts everything in a time warp so I get the chance to hold still and try and make sense out of stuff which threaten to overwhelm me.
         it welcomes me in a warm teary embrace when I turn back to self, crawling on bruised knees, pride shattered and emotions in tatters
         if I stand perfectly still I can see my smile in my mind's eye. and my unending wonder at the world in all it's ups and downs and roundabouts and topsy-turvy rides.

         I smile because I can. Because to stop the smile would cause a crack. the crack would let the joy out and the darkness which always casts furtive glances my way like an illicit lover would slink along the edges of my subconscious thought and grip my brain by the roots. the darkness would steal my peace, my joy. all would come crashing down. Depressed, angry, bitter, weakened......I would cease to be creative. I would cease to smile. my lips would part in a grimace; like the snarl of a cornered dog. My tears would hold no innocence no wonder at friendships genuinely given and shock at pain deliberately caused. Steely and cutting, my laugh would be. I would hurt when hurt, hurt when unsure, hurt when loved, hurt when appreciated, hurt when attacked.

my smile holds me up
         reminding me to never let the stream run dry. to always laugh a little, and then a lot. to know well the wrongs I've done or endured and to strive to be better than those. reminding me that the light in me can overshadow the darkness. reminding me that I can heal my hurts if I hold still long enough for the smile to spread its warmth.

so I tilt my head to the side. I shut my eyes. I play a song I like. or I go for a run to get the frustration out and with each kilometer my pounding heart beats the darkness out with fists of fury and my smile...lying on the cold floor of the dark, wet room, takes tentative steps and then starts to run.

I love my smile. it is welcoming when it is real. it is blinding when it is needed. it is my badge of courage.

....mental

A friend told me he learned to compartmentalize and perfected mental speed-searching because he needed to. That's me paraphrasing. But you should get the gist. 

 

You learn as you grow older that this is a necessary skill to have. 

You choose what has the power, if any, to shake you.

 

You screen your emotions and learn to be joyful when you're grieving, upbeat when you're depressed, friendly when beneath the surface you're seething with anger, pleasant when the sarcasm is simmering underneath and like a pressure pot something just wants to let loose, calm when your emotions are a riot, respectful when you really just want to tell the other person just how much of an ass you think they are and politely tell them to ‘with due respect’ stop being a jerk-off.

 

Duplicitous? I think not.

 

 

For every reaction or action is just a notch on a number line of emotions or actions. So you learn to choose your battles. You learn to live in a manner that doesn't leave too many unanswered questions in your head. You learn to give yourself permission to be more than the sum of your emotions and fears. You learn to exhale

It's all in my head

Ø  When I become president Port Harcourt will have a minister of appropriate attire. Stiff penalties for dressing your body like it belongs to someone you'd never met and were misled regarding their proportions and complexion, etc.

 

Ø  When I become president places of worship will have their public address systems turned inwards own their own internal public and churches too stingy to pay proper organists who don't make their audience tone deaf will be banned from having anything louder than their palms to make music with.

 

Ø  When I become president places of worship will be treated like markets: situated in one long stretch of shops or buildings. Mosques, churches, shrines etc. all mixed up. Let's see y'all bomb one another or try to coexist without some sort of truce. 😏

 

Ø  When I become president: phrases like 'only in Naija', 'the good old days' etc will be heavily frowned upon and those who utter them, fined and given large dog tags to wear with the inscription 'oh drat, I was an ass'😒

The air hostess

ME: irked, make that highly irritated and spoiling for a fight. At about 20 minutes till midnight, my 7:15 aero flight was well over 4 hours late. Airport was a quiet place, a seeming ode to lost hope and perished dreams. Everything seemed to work together to get me to tip over. 

 

From network issues which caused a 2-minute check in procedure stretch to over 10 even though there was just us: two tired colleagues desperately hoping for a miracle at the check-in counter, to the lavatory attendant who had to be harangued by her colleagues into divulging the secret hiding place of the last half-roll of toilet paper, on to the security clearance officers who seemed convinced that the best way to put late night domestic flight suckers like myself at ease was through loud debates on the chance of the flight making it at all tonight. 

 

So it was a night slowly teetering on the edge of a collapse into i-still-am-not-quite-sure-what. 

 

Getting into the plane with my fellow zombie-like travelers, I made a beeline for the lavatory only to stop short when I saw the person exiting the only now available bathroom. I knew it wasn't a good idea. You just know don't you, when someone has left a four-letter word of a smell behind. I cringe at the memory but yeah I still had to use it. 

 

I counted the heads of my fellow passengers. We were 17, or was it 18, I'm not quite sure now. Made my way back to my seat and eagerly sank into 3A: thankfully whoever bought that seat changed their mind and after over 3 hours spent lying in a fetal position at the airport, the extra leg room was a blessing I couldn't pass up. 

 

"Yes my phone is in flight mode", I repeated for the second time in less than 30 seconds to the air-hostess showing her the game I was playing. Second time around I looked up with all of the irritation I felt only to lock eyes with the most tired of eyes I'd seen in a while. And my irritation vanished. She looked so dead-on-her-feet tired and I started to imagine what the schedule changes would have meant: the longer hours on her feet than planned, the short words from passengers whose schedules had been disrupted, the lack of rest, the hours spent serving refreshment and collecting trash when passengers were done. It was a sad 'aha' moment for me. 

 

I've met the friendly and the surly, the professional and the crass, the subtle and the loud. Until tonight I'd never seen the quiet desperation and frustration. It's a lesson I hope I recall the next time I fly. Everyone could do with a little kindness. 

 

I am Woman

I am woman

In the loins of man first carried around a testimony to the humour of the Creator

In the womb of woman nurtured and borne to be born in agony, expelled from a womb with a painful tear.

In me you find your joys, your fears. For of me you were born.
To be lover and child.
To be mother and friend.
To break your heart and to restore your hope

I am strong for so I was created.
I am strong for my journey has made me so.

My mistakes....here an ode to the audacity of youth, there a testament to the results of a heart unguarded and a will untrained.

My victories..purposefully wrought or unthinkingly achieved.

Here I am. Woman. Loved. Used. Celebrated. Vilified. Adored. Disdained.

Your orgasms celebrate and disparage me. Think beyond sex manchild. For the spillage of your mind are the orgasms here

I am woman. Tentative. Resolute. Beguiling. Hurtful. Timid. Arrogant. Needy. Confident.

I am she whom you left to be with another. Whom you chose at the expense of another. Whose emotions nurtured you on your search for another.
In me is your fulfillment and your derailment.

I am woman.

(more tentative writings on www.true9jawoman.blogspot.com)

#itsallinmyhead
#nkechisreviews
#womanhood
#imperfect
#truth
#strengthinweakness
#journeying
(Image from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/135037688805934016/ )

Journey to self....the beginning of the rest of forever

On doing something daily my future self will be thankful to my present for:

 

1.    Pray. I used to be unable to pray or seek closeness to God when I'd sinned however small or big the sin seemed in my head. Now I understand that especially because of the propensity to, or ,for sin in my mortal nature I must even when sin seems to be eager to drag me down and guilt to smother me, seek God's reassuring closeness and light

2.      Eat well. This is as hard as praying. Sometimes more so. For that which I ought to crave my body tells my mind to disregard and my mind tells my body to dislike. And that which I should do in moderation or deny self of altogether is that which my body wakes with a start in sheer longing for. But if I will have a body that's healthy I must say no to the heavier creamier oily starchy etc and lean more into the lean, the leafy, the greens yellows oranges and reds

3.      Exercise. Knees creaking, calves burning, thighs in spasms from the tension, back hurting, torso taut and willpower failing, I must do the extra jump, the additional crunch, jog the extra mile. For my body is mine to subdue and not the other way round. To stand tall even while a little over short. To take the stairs two at a time. To dance for hours with my beau. To run with the kids. To squat for strength. To plank as I read. To jog just for fun. To learn my strengths and increase my endurance threshold. To subdue my body and not the other way around

4.      Visit. Would that the world was linked only by social media. Social nerds like me would be king and guilt would be only a dream in a lost souls' conscience. But it is not, alas. And so, visit I must. For loving my family cannot be done only in my head and through financial contributions to needs and wants. And through hellos via BBM or Whatsapp. Not through having the kids call grandmas and granddads. For those who love me want to see me. To scold me and hug me. To worry about me and cheer me on. To show me off and feed me. To do these and more in person 

5.      Network. For man is not an island. Nerd or social butterfly. Man is not an island

6.      Residual income. For I dread the thought or working a 9-5 at 50 simply because I have no other choice. My kids must know there's more to life than the mind numbing drudgery. There is a better way. It's harder. But you learn on the job and meet amazing people and get to travel the world empowering people and building teams. 

7.      Read. Motivational books, self help books, books about science, articles on world economy, Holy books of other faiths, new authors.....any and everything. Books on philosophy, books on psychology. Books about cooking and books about health. For books always teach. And books provide an escape from reality and an empowerment for reality. I'm largely uneducated and alarmingly unenlightened. And for one as old as I, that's almost unpardonable. I've read a few but I've loads more to read. 

...time travel!!! I'm officially sold on it now!

When you're half asleep and the voice of the captain wakes you up with a "Good morning... please prepare for landing......our flight to Abuja from Port Harcourt", and you go like "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!!!!"

 

Seems like only a minute ago he welcomed you with "Good evening. This is your Captain speaking. Sorry about the delay" 😱😂😂. This qualifies as time travel doesn't it?! Since it's a local flight?! Or are there separate rules for that? The questions, o the questions!!!! So much to figure out!!!!!! 🤔

 

I need to buy camels and stallions and start traveling the old fashioned way since science, with all her over-sabi, has still not yet made it possible to move like they did in 'The Matrix' or confirmed which of the X-Men's powers I have. That Prof Xavier dude had better discover me already 😒

 

.........wisps, desires, desires

At once sure and yet elusive, she dances before his eyes when his lids close in a vain attempt to sleep.

 

Clear as day he sees her....within reach, almost.........

 

He stretches an inch farther and his fingers barely brush the light fabric of her dress as she walks before him, unwittingly sensual with an innocence that her heartache and years of bad decisions couldn't destroy.

 

He longs to make her stop and look in his eyes. To see the burning desire to know her and he clenches his fists at his sides in impotent balls of furious desperation and he tries not to shake the realization into her.

 

He calls out, startling himself with the strength in his voice, but his eyes quickly widen in bewilderment as he realizes she doesn't hear him much as she never could look into his eyes. 

Dropping his gaze he slowly unclenches his fists, whispers her name and is regarded with a falter in her step before she resumes her walk. 

She will walk this walk on her own. He longs to tell her he wants to go with her and bear her up. Pushing harder he grasps her shoulder and she starts to turn to him.

His eyelids flutter open, lips parting ever so slightly in soundless joy. And the dream crumbles to the ground. 

be naked with me.....my friend

I see you........

Beneath the laughter I see you,

Beneath the sarcasm, O yes, there you are,

Peeking as from behind a curtain,

Peering as a child would behind the safety of its mother's skirts

 

We see your boldness

We know your sarcasm

We see the cynic you work so hard to pawn off on us

 

But I see you my friend 

Gentle and warm

Not hardened but trying to be

Wary of repeating mistakes that led to a thousand hurts

 

Come into the light. Be naked with me

Laugh with me at nothing, at everything

It will never be totally alright

.........But the madness will make the good times perfect

.........And the bad times just an annoying bump on the road

 

...on stepping out: one foot in front of the other

If you think you're not good enough, IMHO (in my humble opinion), you're not. 

 

Lemme explain, unless you're Olivia Pope with lifelong 'daddy issues', chances are you'll have skills and competences which over time should make you feel good about what you have been able to achieve irrespective of whatever upbringing you have. However no matter how many people tell you that you can, if you think you can't bring to the table what's required, you're probably right. 

 

What to do?

 

Now this is no recipe but!!!!........, I know from experience that putting myself out more, helps to slowly kill that voice. It's a scary thing to do but a necessity. One foot in front of the other. Asking questions (especially the ones that show u up in your opinion). You can't be seeking a safety net when you need to grow. You will find it as you make the mistakes:

 

....The colleagues who value you for your skills and will always tell you when you're being an ass.
 

....The bosses who will build you up and tear you a new one in private but always take the blame for the troops gaffes in public.
 

....The business team partners who will listen to every supposedly creative idea and not hesitate to show you where the pitfalls are.
 

....The friends who will hold your hand when you need it and give you a hot attitude slap or space when you or they need it. Etc. etc.

 

These people become allies you make a safety net. They don't come cheap and you need to, in your desperate bid to grow while still holding on to some form or comfort, not make them a crutch.

 

But grow you must. And grow you will. One face-in-the-mud episode after another, a stronger and more useful you shall emerge.


      xoxo
NKECHI